I started thinking about independence in marriage. These trends dont mean that todays marriages have abandoned any core values. To sum it all up, let me leave you with some wisdom to reflect on from A.W. In other words you arent dependent if you are choosing your spouse out of choice and desire. A great example: My husband still loves a game of pick-up basketball and Im still not all that interested in basketball. While we do often end up becoming like our spouse in some ways we are not, in fact, our spouse. In this, the concept of interdependence creates not neediness, but rather a durable, well-supported society in which all members learn to give and take, so that ideally, everyone is provided for. Its Independence Day in the United States the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. Ask the Lord to give you feelings the way they feel in any given moment, situation, or environment. I offered to make something for them to eat and the other wife said, He knows where the fridge is, he can make it himself (referring to her own husband). The other husband refused; but Darrell accepted. Her struggle to trust had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage, but had been brought into their relationship from past trauma. I (no longer) assume that all couples should be as we are, but neither should we be as others are. Get excited about buying them the best clothes, meal, or activity they would enjoy. Given that our independence was earned by soldiers, Im reminded of the number of military families today whomust spend day after day apart. "This robs the partnership of the gifts, talents and insights that would create a healthy balance. Of course you need some private time but that is by mutual consent and agreementnot by argument and demand. I hope you are inspired and encouraged each week. Tags: Catholic marriage, Gaudium et Spes, Marriage. I believe it is vital in helping a marriage start off on the right foot. I have just started to notice that when people see a husband and wife moving in tandem, it seems to be suspect of what I dont know. If you have forgotten what being you looks like, perhaps now is a great time to rediscover. J, I get completely what youre saying, and I thank you! Moreover, marriage is not intended to replace all of your other relationships. So, does the hand we hold hold us down? My husband and I were about four weeks fresh into our marriage when we both realized that we needed to establish boundaries with each other. Raise your hand if that sounds like you? And yet, you dont get married to spend time apart, to insist that your spouse leave you alone and let you do what you want, even if it injures the marriage. (Your spouse does not belong to you and you do not belong to him or her. Be patient toward and with one another. But you dont smother. "Theres a difference between one spouse handling most of the money stuff because they have a stronger ability to get the numbers right, and one spouse handling finances because of having control, or because of one spouse not stepping up to sharing responsibilities, or either spouse hiding money information or being careless of family needs while indulging in personal spending. It is helpful to consider that before marriage we were individuals and as much as we want to define ourselves solely as married we need to also survey our own personal character and spiritual development. And not only separated, but incommunicado (excepting 1 short phone call). As the Second Vatican Council document Gaudium et Spes contends, marriage partners are to become conscious of their unity and experience it more and more deeply from day to day. In a modern, Christian marriage, spouses are to bring each other to holiness through the spirit of Christ. Spend the first part of your day together. Revive the Eucharist in prayer and fellowship, Our Lady of the Rockies, pray for us in the weeds. Marriage involves joining lives, not just sharing beds and bank accounts. Early on it became apparent that I was going to want to continue traveling to see family on a fairly regular basis, whereas my husband wasnt pining to get home as much as I was. Was it okay that I travel with our children even though my husband wouldnt be able to join? If you have observed influential leaders who have imploded and want to be a long term leader, this blog is for you. We needed to find a sweet spot of sorts where our desire for oneness and our desires for independence intersected. Youdid promise to love, cherish, and keep to this person, above all others. He went out of his way to settle his wifes spirit. Mental independence is what brings on the silent treatment. Surrender your will to your Father. Maybe youre familiar with the famous line from Jerry Maguire: "You complete me.". MySpace was big a few years backand look what happened to it! J, I was really torn on this one I must admit. If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to receive more just like it. Trying to get ahead of or lag behind them is disastrous. He now travels around the world speaking to ministry leaders. Before we said I do my husband and I attended pre-marital counseling sessions. But you dont smother., Exactly! Humble yourself before the other. Trust me: They WILL take care of your needs also. Finally, when considering our own personal freedoms and the freedoms of our spouses it can be helpful to consider who our spouse was before we married them. Her mom was implying that any man to whom she gave her heart would hold her back from what she wanted to do in life. She serves the local church alongside her husband, Kile, in Northern Nevada. Once we added children into our lives my desire to get home only increased. An amusing marriage tidbit: while she and her husband enjoy doing many of the same things, like watching 24, they walk at very different paces, which they find both funny and annoying. However, relationships, marriage first and foremost, cannot stand on a foundation of individual liberty. The U.S. colonies were fighting for their liberty, autonomy and independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain because they did not want to be in bondage to the authority of the King. Todd Foley is on staff with Focus on the Family Canada. I think we were probably a bit too dependent for years. If you liked this article and would like to go deeper, we have some helpful resources below. When you are living independently, you are oblivious to your spouses situation. (Harsh words will never get you anywhere). I love what you said, Yes, you leave and cleave. So while I think you meant wellyou can keep your ball games, girls nights out, etc. You are like the one-legged race: two people but joined in one leg. Paul said, Nevertheless, in the Lord, woman is not independent of man, nor man of woman (1 Cor. You just said it better than I did. In this sense, modern marriage is much more concerned with interdependence than independence. How we allow God to mold and refine us will also mold and refine our married life. Yet we would define our marriage as interdependent. He went on to say, we demonstrate this by our unwillingness to not submit we dont like anything that tries to master us. My husband, on the other hand, comes from a relatively small family that doesnt share the same dynamics as my own. (I did.) Les and Leslie Parrott painted a sobering picture of seeking to find complete fulfillment in another human being: "If you try to build intimacy with another person before becoming whole on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself. things I suspect what is healthy varied from couple to couple. I want my marriage to be eternal. While this is sweet and sentimental, its problematic: No person can ever complete you, and expecting someone to do so can set a toxic precedent for your relationship. Treat them as one flesh. You sure feel it when a needle touches YOUR flesh! Does God Give the Promise of Marriage to Us? Its not fair to promise to merge your lives but hold back a big part of yourself. That great victory is what we celebrate today in the U.S. Be gentle with one another. Not if the hand we all hold is the hand of God. Spend money together. 3. Just as Christ died for us, we are called to die for one another. "Interdependence in finances equals complete trustworthiness," she says, adding that spouses should support one another via shared resources. Their spouse becomes the one to whom they look for everything, when that place should be reserved for God alone. Do you make all purchasing decisions together, or buy some things separate? You both belong to your Creator). In other words, we will not experience shalom when we know our spouse does not have it, as well. So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind (Philippians 1:1-2). Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Guardian Angels in Oakdale. Thanks for joining the list! As we think about this we may want to contemplate the words of Jesus in Matthew 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.. Dont lose heart. He called because he knew that doing so gave her peace. Lori and I have been accused of being too close. Independence. As Gaudium et Spes reminds us, such an attempt to develop a relationship of trust can only be attained through unflinching effort under the help of grace.. Honoring who he is means giving him the freedom to play basketball but maybe freedom in boundaries because playing basketball until 2am is for single guys! Dependence. Early in our marriage, my husband and I would debate about how dependent or how independent we should be. Hollywood often presents a highly romanticized idea of marriage, and the Bible describes it as an irreplaceable foundation (Genesis 2:24). Many people meet their mate soon after theyve given up on relationships and decided to be content on their own. Join thousands of others getting Larry's best thought in their inbox every Monday morning. "This oneness in motive, purpose, values and goals is essential [and] is an example of two walking together in agreement," Dr. Claiborne says.Gregory names two areas that benefit from healthy interdependence: Reference to the individuals and organizations quoted does not constitute a blanket endorsement of either the individuals external work or their respective organizations. This, then, is the foundation of a strong and resilient society: marriage relationships marked by interdependence and mutuality. And yet, as the documents of the Second Vatican Council demonstrate, such independence and ruggedness are not the vision of marriage at all. When things feel off kilter in our relationship sometimes we need to touch back on those boundaries, occasionally we will discover something has shifted and we need to have a conversation. The purpose of ones entire married life is to bring glory to God through faith, hope and charity. We see this idea in modern metaphors for marriage: the old ball and chain, tied around her little finger, he or she has got you whipped etc However, that oppressive image of a relationship is opposite to relationship in the Gospel. We wouldnt change it for the world. Exercise together. (Wait on the Lord rather than responding based on heightened emotions. My husband looks at our independence as a type of dependence on one another. Your life is much more secure in His hands than in yours). "Your marriage will be stronger for it," she writes.Karin Gregory, a counsellor at Focus on the Family Canada, uses an illustration to describe a unified marriage composed of two individual identities: In medieval times, architects constructed stone arches by stacking numerous bricks together, but there was one wedge-shaped stone the keystone that, through the laws of physics, held all the other bricks in place by exerting equal amounts of pressure. Those early years helped defined us as a couple. It may be that you have retreated into your own private thought space and are no longer fun to hang out with! She holds a masters degree in theology from the St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity in St. Paul. Does that mean my husband should throw in the towel and stop playing? Paul provided the very framework for how we can achieve interdependence: 1. 2013 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. According to research by Knot Yet, more young adults are waiting to get married until they feel theyre financially and professionally prepared treating marriage as a "capstone" to their life, rather than a "cornerstone" upon which they build a life together.

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